What I’m Looking For

The whole mess started when I began to look for something. It was an important thing. It should have been in the important place. And because it was so important, I most likely put it in an even more important place that I now can no longer remember.

And so I unearthed a pile of boxes. My own past, time capsules of memory. Interspersed through 30 years of correspondence, were theater tickets and scraps, stickers and programs. Letters from people I no longer know. Letters from people I wish I still knew. Letters from people who are essential to my daily life. Sometimes, one can sit with these things and feel elation. I simply hope that these people who touched my life felt as appreciated by me back then as is the reality now.

When I think about the quality of people in my life, I am heartened. I’ve really had the pleasure of knowing some amazing people. And those not so amazing people… I’ve probably forgotten them, blocking out the unpleasant as I have with a great majority of my history. I don’t remember liking high school particularly, but I don’t remember it being painful either. I just don’t remember it at all.

But these letters. They bring it all smashing back like a face full of cold water. Some of the great mysteries of life, now so obvious. Yes, he loved you. No, she wasn’t your friend. These are the people who cared for you forever. Amazing realizations, really. It feels much like turning on faucets after a long absence. I am feeling more and more, watching the rust fall down the drain.

And now I’m to the last bag. I still haven’t found what I was originally looking for, but I think maybe that’s alright now. Maybe I found what I needed instead.

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